The Anti-Mouth Bill

You first heard it here. This is the year of the anti-bills in the Republic of Uganda. Anti-porn bill is now law of the land. And the anti-queer bill has just been signed into law with much fanfare and ululations. Word on the street is that MP Evelyn Anite is cooking up something. Yes. That infamous girl from Koboko who knelt before her president and begged him to run again in 2016.

Evelyn Anite, the Northern Youth MP, instead of working to find jobs for northern youths has been busy writing up a bill. She was saddened that her boss, Beelzebub, expressed concerns about improper use of the mouth. So, she, like a true blue-blood NRM zealot, set up to work on a bill against improper use of the mouth, tentatively called the Anti-Mouth Bill. The bill says, in part, that  whereas the mouth was created by God for eating, drinking non-liquor, praising the Lord and our masters, talking to our dear ones, singing, or persuading, it has come to the notice of the NRM government that the mouth is being abused. Such filthy stuff like kissing, going down on one another while having sex, cursing, lying, or talking bad about the government are prohibited. The NRM is especially incensed by the importation of cunnilingus and fellatio. The former is an attempt by NGOs to debase the African man as the exercise requires a man to kneel before a woman, let alone the chance of contracting deadly diseases from that area of complexities. The African man, confident with his spear, should not resort to sissy mouthy behavior. As to fellatio, our African women want the black dildo at (as the president opined) the proper address--down there--not in the mouth.

Any such improper use of the mouth will be punishable by a jail term of twenty to fifty years hard labor with no chance of parole. We need to clean our culture and get back on the path of a God-fearing nation. For God and my Country.