The Anti-Mouth Bill

You first heard it here. This is the year of the anti-bills in the Republic of Uganda. Anti-porn bill is now law of the land. And the anti-queer bill has just been signed into law with much fanfare and ululations. Word on the street is that MP Evelyn Anite is cooking up something. Yes. That infamous girl from Koboko who knelt before her president and begged him to run again in 2016.

Evelyn Anite, the Northern Youth MP, instead of working to find jobs for northern youths has been busy writing up a bill. She was saddened that her boss, Beelzebub, expressed concerns about improper use of the mouth. So, she, like a true blue-blood NRM zealot, set up to work on a bill against improper use of the mouth, tentatively called the Anti-Mouth Bill. The bill says, in part, that  whereas the mouth was created by God for eating, drinking non-liquor, praising the Lord and our masters, talking to our dear ones, singing, or persuading, it has come to the notice of the NRM government that the mouth is being abused. Such filthy stuff like kissing, going down on one another while having sex, cursing, lying, or talking bad about the government are prohibited. The NRM is especially incensed by the importation of cunnilingus and fellatio. The former is an attempt by NGOs to debase the African man as the exercise requires a man to kneel before a woman, let alone the chance of contracting deadly diseases from that area of complexities. The African man, confident with his spear, should not resort to sissy mouthy behavior. As to fellatio, our African women want the black dildo at (as the president opined) the proper address--down there--not in the mouth.

Any such improper use of the mouth will be punishable by a jail term of twenty to fifty years hard labor with no chance of parole. We need to clean our culture and get back on the path of a God-fearing nation. For God and my Country.

The Emotional African

I had not been in the Republic for some time. So, I had one dude escort me around town.  At an electrical shop there were quite a number of men behind the counter.  My immediate thought was that there was an over-employment of store clerks in this store.  Later I was told that all those clerks represented different sections for different owners of merchandise—in the same store! Apparently the culture of partnership or corporation has not filtered into the minds of Uganda’s wanainchi. Like the man asked: Can we not all get along? I ask: Can we not all work together? What’s up with the black race? What does it take the race to work towards a common goal? Our very survival is at stake.

If Dr. Besigye can answer those questions, he may find the reason why the so-called Uganda’s educated elites are not as angry at the state of affairs as he is. The excuse about him being too confrontational is a just a cop out.

In corporate sales class I was taught to probe for the emotional hot buttons. Once you find them, then you can go for the jugular and close the sales effortlessly. I posit that the African has an extra overdose of emotional evolutionary talent. As such then, he needs very strong emotional incentives to push him to action.

Let us take General Museveni and his Luweero-triangle war that he never fails to remind the world of every week.  Museveni knew how to push emotional buttons.  He exploited the Baganda’s grudge with Obote and the North, especially the Acoli, to a crescendo of full blown hatred that lingers to today. Many Baganda were killed and the UNLA was blamed. That was like adding salt to an old wound. Songs were coined to denigrate the Anyanyas. Even little kids—the kadogos—joined the ranks of fighters. There are few emotions as strong as hatred, and it rode Museveni to power.

Now, let me ask a question: How many Ugandans have met or know of any homosexual? Raise your hands. With many being in the closet, we will have less than a dozen hands out of a population of 35 million. But here we are, parliament has passed an anti-queer bill, and General Museveni is toying with the country to milk it to the hilt for his grandeur. Meanwhile the population is in a state of apoplectic fury about some imaginary gays who are about to sodomize their children and wives if the general doesn’t sign the bill. The general knows what emotions can do to the African, and he will not let this one die off without using it for 2016—if at all there will be any contest.

We have seen the master tactician adorned in military uniform as he goes to parliament. He carried an assault rifle as he went to visit a disaster area on the slopes of Mt. Elgon. We have seen him recently do the same as he led his MPs through one of his vast many farms. He has threatened going back to the bush. He tied some personalities with the old regimes. All these are done to create fear—fear being another very powerful emotion that keeps the peasants in check not to rise up in spite of their woes.

Another strong emotion is greed. Give a political loser from another party an RDC or an ambassadorial position and you will own him. Give a thief a lease on life and he will clean your shoes with his tongue. Give the bishops four-wheeled drives and their hapless followers will sing your glory.

And so, General Museveni is in firm control because he understands the African primordial emotions of hatred, fear and greed.